"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
