I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
