why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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