can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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