you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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