I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
