We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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