we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
