i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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