Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I would fuck him just for his dog
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize