those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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