He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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