Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Boobs are out for the taking
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
