He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
