The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
