So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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