One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
