i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
