Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Congratulations! We have a period
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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