.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's blow job season.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
