she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
