What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
