Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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