My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
