I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
