Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
