so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
