wat bout pragnant strippers??
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Send help, water and tortillas.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
