K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
