so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize