tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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