I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
