you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I supernannyed him into submission
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
