i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
