I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
