I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
