Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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