My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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