I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
