Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
