Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
