we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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