Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
