you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
