Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
