My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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