take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
