I'm going to jail i love you
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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