Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
