I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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