Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
