She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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