can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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