My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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