If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
