I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
